It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
