Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
