It's Friday. Sex?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
