I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
