I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
