i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
