I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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