i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
