Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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