Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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