After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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