history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
