Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
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