You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
