If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
