There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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