the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
