So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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