I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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