He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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