I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
