Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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