I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
