that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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