you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
