like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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