Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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