I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize