Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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