I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
