just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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