Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
