We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
