i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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