Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize