my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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