sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
