Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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