when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
