How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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