apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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