Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
