at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize