My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
