Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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