You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
