my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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