You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
