Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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