I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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