I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
