Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
