Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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