If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think your dad took our porno
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize