Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
