I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
