I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
