I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize