Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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