the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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