I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
