so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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