Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
